When the email came through suggesting that Leek was going to be the place for The Gang’s Summer jaunt, the first thing I did was look it up on the map. The second thing I did was check the train timetables. I’d heard of Leek but never really knew much about the place, except a suspicion that it was in the Midlands…

My first shock came when I discovered the travel time…

Five and a quarter hours! 

That was the length of time it usually took me to get to Llandudno in North Wales!

Five and a quarter hours! 

I was a little taken-aback, I must admit. It’s a long way to go for an overnight. My mind began thinking in terms of a second night, perhaps the Friday night as I’d done for Shrewsbury. It worked well then, a really great weekend, plenty of time to explore. Besides, I didn’t want to go into the evening meal in Leek tired out and not be able to enjoy myself. 

Funny how a journey where you are sat down can tire you out, trust me, it just does!

I put the idea of an extra night to Topman. He told me he checked it out himself and said the rate for Friday would be extortionate.

“Why not come and stay with us overnight? You can travel up with us the next day and we can bring you back on the Sunday?”

It made sense to me and was an offer, in the words of Marlon Brando – with the appropriate amount of cotton wool stuffed in the chops – ‘an offer I couldn’t refuse..’

It would make for a better and longer weekend than originally planned. I liked it. A beer or two with Topman the night before, then off to meet the gang the next day in Leek.

A few days later I got the email through with the Menu choices on. I decided to give the old kippers a steam (wash my feet to the uninitiated) while debating what my food choices would be. 

I tend to give the feet a good soaking prior to cutting the nails. As I’ve got older I’ve found the toenails getting harder. Cutting them is something best done when there is no one around. It can be quite dangerous, especially when a particularly hard nail requires so much effort that it ends up  ricocheting off the wall. Well, you could have someone’s eye out!

Unfortunately, I was so relaxed I fell asleep with the old plates in the bowl. It wasn’t until the water cooled, I woke up with a shiver. I’d been halfway through a jam doughnut at the point I fell asleep, so my left cheek was sticky with jam. Another thing about getting older, I sometimes tend to drop off to sleep in the evenings, especially in the Summer after a four or five mile walk home from work…

I took the Friday off work to do the chores I would normally do on Sunday and was ready to travel at around 15.30, enough time to get the 16.14 to Newport.

Unfortunately, all the rushing around that morning and then sitting down in the comfy sofa in the front room, led to another badly timed snooze…

When I woke up, a sudden pig-like grunting snore initiating consciousness, I had a Corporal Jones moment. Not quite to the level of running up and down the room, but looking around anxiously, realising I was going to be late.

However, for once, the train being late worked in my favour. So, right train, wrong time. It made me a little less guilty about my unscheduled snooze.

The arrangement was to meet Topman at Newport station, and as he was expecting me at a certain time it was no surprise that I got a text asking if all was ok? Was I on my way? I explained that I was running a little behind, although technically because of the train being late, but it would’ve happened if it wasn’t as I would’ve missed it if it’d been on time…

At the station I met Topman and he decide we would take a taxi back to his place. He was to cook the evening meal but not before we had a beer in his rather impressive garden…I was always fond of a well-kept garden, and hate to see a garden that’s been left to go ruin, which is probably why I never look at mine!

It was bed just before mid-night and then up at about 7.30am. I took a shower, which I had difficulty with. It seems to be a little like trains, never seem to work to my advantage. I can’t seem to get the settings right. I either scold or freeze myself; sometimes both in turn. 

Breakfast was bacon and egg sandwiches, something quick so that we could get away sharpish. I’m fond of Bacon and egg sandwiches, so it worked for me. 

We were on our way at 8.40, only ten minutes later than planned.

The journey was rather pleasant, and a lot better than a crowded train for five and a quarter hours. At least the conversation was far more entertaining with people you know. I can never understand how some people can interpret someone travelling on their own reading a book is code for “come and talk to me”. If I wanted someone’s life story then I’d buy a biography… 

Funnily enough, if you’re sat just looking out of the window or staring into space no bugger wants to talk to you!

We arrived at 11.58. There was a short wait check in, but once that  was out of the way, I took my bag into a neat, comfortable room. There was also free WiFi, which was good, especially as I couldn’t get a mobile signal, which was bad.

Leek is in Staffordshire and on the River Churnet, ten miles from Stoke-on-Trent, it was given to old William the Conk at around the time of the Doomsday Survey. However, of more interest to me (and probably Blameworthy) is that it was famous in the 17th and 18th century for its ale. Although interesting, unfortunately, as I don’t have a time machine hidden somewhere in my house, I’m never going to know how good the ales were in those days. Like a lot of things, it’s something I’m going to have to learn to live with.

My brother-in-law would probably be interested in the Rudyard Lake Steam Railway, which runs along the eastern shores. If I’d been there for more than just an overnight, I might’ve gone to see it myself. The other, nearby attraction, is Alton Towers, not really my thing, which is the leisure facility of nearby Stoke-on-Trent.

Also, Leek has a Double Sunset on and around the Summer solstice, an attraction for certain tourists. The grounds of the parish church is the best place to see this. My timing was off, so I wouldn’t witness this phenomenon…

That was what I liked about the bi-yearly meet ups, the travelling to places I hadn’t been to, and in many cases, probably wouldn’t go to under normal circumstances. Having a walkies in a different place is something of a treat to me… 

Ten minutes after unpacking and a quick wash, Mr and Mrs Topman called for me and we’re off to find somewhere to go for a drink and a meal. It was decided that a pub lunch would fit the bill, but we passed on the nearby Wetherspoons. 

There was a nice little pub up a slight hill looked a good prospect. It was called The Fountain. Once inside I noticed it had a good selection of beers, but it didn’t do pub grub. However, the landlord helpfully recommended The Blue Monk, or at least that was what I thought he said the pub was called…

So we took his advice along with directions and walked further up the hill. It was just over a five minute walk, up the hill and just around the corner. It was then that I discovered that I’d got the name wrong. It was The Blue Mugge, not Monk. Still, got the Blue bit right though. Fifty percent correct…

The food was perfect for our group, not only a vegetarian option but also a gluten free one, which was good for Londontaff.

I went for a mix of healthy and unhealthy. A chicken burger with chips and salad. This along with a rather good pint went down the old cake hole rather well.

I was running short of cash. This was where I was Luck as  Mrs Topman lent me fifty quid, which was rather kind. To me, however, it was only a short term solution because as soon as the lunchtime session was over, I would have to find a cash point to get cash to pay Mrs Topman back and enough to cover the evening expenses for The Red Lion, at Thorncliffe.

Mr and Mrs Smiler were supposed to be with us for lunch but hadn’t yet arrived. They had to come down from Wigan, so delays were likely possible. I tried ringing from inside the pub, but the reception wasn’t up to much, rather like the hotel, but I managed to get a signal outside. They were in Leek so I directed them to the pub, telling them I’d stay outside so the place would be easy to spot.

So, Mr and Mrs Smiler, ten minutes later, arrived and went inside the pub. They’d checked in at the hotel before starting off for the pub. I was expecting Scrumcyclist to be with them but apparently she was double booked. She was doing the three peaks walk…not sure what that was but the fact that the sentence contained walk rather appealed to me. Maybe it was something I’d have a go at one day.

After lunch we took a slow stroll back toward the hotel via a different and longer route. On the way I took a few photos which, of course included pubs. Well, ok, let’s be honest, it was mostly pubs…

I spent ten minutes in my room, made some notes on my iPad and then decided to wander around the town. It wasn’t the brightest of days, considering it was July, but I was in England after all…but at least it wasn’t raining…

It wasn’t only my need to explore my new surroundings but the need to find a cash point so that I could pay for the evening meal and beer tonight. I also needed to pay Mrs Topman back, I hated to be in debt.

For a while I thought the placed didn’t do cashpoints, then after aimlessly meandering further and further away from the hotel (more pub photos) I returned back wonder if the place had ever heard of cash points. As luck would have it, there was one near to a supermarket on one corner of the street only a couple of hundred yards from from the hotel. Needn’t have walked so far out, but it was good exercise and I love exploring new places.

So, with my wallet filled with the appropriate amount of notes, I decided to try out The Fountain Inn, the pub that recommended the Blue Mugge; it seemed to have some interesting ales in there.

The Fountain, a multi-award winning pub (although I didn’t know that then) was only occupied by half a dozen or so people when I got in. I was served quickly and made my choice by the odd name of the beer. A pint of Wibbably Wallaby – sounded Australian and I only just stopped myself from doing the voice of a Neighbours character when ordering. The beer, I later found, was brewed by Wincle Beer Company Ltd, in Wincle, Cheshire. The beer had a gravity of 4.4%.

I was quite enjoying myself there, the beer was to my taste and in the surrounds of what I considered a comfortable, good proper pub. Unfortunately, half-way through the beer a group of Northern Rugby enthusiasts came in. (I’m not into Rugby, my only real experience of it was at school when an enthusiastic sports teacher arranged a match as part of our games period. As far as I was concerned the game is just legitimised thuggery.) I don’t know what match they’d been to, but their team must’ve won as they were cheerful and loud. It rather ruined the mood for me, so I decided not to go for a second pint.

In actual fact, they probably did me a favour as I’d probably would’ve overstayed my welcome. It just wouldn’t do to turn up at the Red Lion staggering around drunk.

I got back to the hotel, settled in room to have a shower, then made some notes on my iPad.

At 17.30 I was downstairs and meeting up with others from the gang. Sunny, Mr and Mrs Londontaff, Leaderladay and partner Headman and Mrs Headman and Thinker. 

Mrs Topman had booked two taxi’s to take us to The Red Lion at Thorncliffe. It was, as usual, smoothly organised.

The Red Lion at Thorncliffe was about 2.5 miles away. Since the gang visited it, there has been a change of name to The Reform. This happened in January 2018. The owners decided to go back to its original name from 1851. Understandable, there are rather a lot of Red Lions, but not many Reforms.

The beers on offer Abbot Ale (Greene King, 5%), Sharpe’s Doombar (4.3%), Pedigree (Marston 4.5%) and Life of Riley, (Wincle 4.2%). I was spoiled for choice.

I decided on the Abbot Ale and stuck with it for the evening, despite being tempted to try each of the others.

After catching up with the rest of the gang, and noting how the pub was filling up, we went outside. The weather had improved and my meal consisted of Soup of the day, tomato, Beef and ale pie with veg and chips and a pudding of Apple and Woodland Berry crumble, with custard. Fitrambler in paradise…

It doesn’t happen very often but the old Fitrambler cake hole struggled a little with that three course meal. The portions were awfully large; not that I’m in the habit of complaining about that sort of thing.

Topman organised a round of applause for the staff, an appreciation of their efforts for the evening. They had worked well and hard dealing with us lot…

The following morning, I was up at about 8am and had a fight with the shower. I’d had enough trouble with it the previous day where it insisted on coming out of the taps and the shower unit. Today it would only come out of the taps no matter how much I message about with the adjustments. Again I had to go through the scolding and freezing routine. What did showers have against me? In the end I gave in and took a bath; it took longer but was less traumatic!

I still was feeling a little full after the previous night’s meal. I wasn’t alone in that and agreed with Topman that a big breakfast wasn’t on the cards. Just enough to set us up for the journey ahead…

As I sat down he stared at my plate. He saw the double sausage, eggs, black pudding, hash browns and baked beans. He frowned and then looked up from his plate of bacon and toast.

“I thought you weren’t going to have your usual big breakfast…”

I frowned. “I didn’t bother with the mushrooms and toast…or a bowl of cereal…” I protested.

“Hmm, big difference…”

For some  strange reason he wasn’t convinced. 

With the breakfast nestling in the old tum-tum, and a short period of chatting to let it digest, goodbyes were said. There were the comments of the Christmas do, which was the next time we would all meet again…

We were underway and strangely enough, Topman got the urge for some coffee when we were only twenty-five percent into the journey home…

It was a near to Stone that we pulled off the motorway and into a Service Station. It was going into the car park that we spotted Scrumcyclist going towards her car. One presumed she’d done the three peaks and was making her way home. We all had a brief chat and then went to get the coffee Topman had been keen on.

Once we got back to Newport, Topman and Mrs Topman began preparations for a late Sunday lunch. It was after that I was off to the railway station and home. A rather good weekend…

As I look back on that trip, one of the regrets I have was not having a pint in the pub called The Earl Grey Inn. Having been a fan of the tea for over thirty years, it would have been good to have on my list of pubs I’ve visited…but you can’t have anything…

The Three Crowns

It was back in July 2013 that Blameworthy and I last drank together. That’s nearly four years ago. It’s a long time by any standards.

It wasn’t as though we intended the gap in our meeting to be so long, it just seemed to work out that way. During that time, we kept in erratic contact via email but we seemed unable to tie down another meeting.

However, 2017, was to be the year a plan would come together. Finally, we would get together again for a few – or probably more accurately, a lot of beer.

Over a bout of email tennis, it was decided we would have a lunchtime session; and in the spirit of past adventures it would be Chippenham on a Sunday lunchtime.

Close and local is not us.

On reflection, our last drinking session together was in Wroughton, some four miles or so from where I live and a little further from where Blameworthy lives.

Wroughton was an old stomping ground from the 1980s. In those days we would quite often on a day off from work or of an evening we would walk out to a pub called the Carter’s Rest or The Wheatsheaf; although occasionally we would grace another pub in the village with our presence.

In those days Blameworthy and I lived closer to each other, a street away. But now, some thirty years later, we lived about thirty minutes away from each other.

For that trip to Wroughton, we agreed we would meet up in The Town Gardens in Old Town. To me it seemed like an odd place to meet up. However, Blameworthy does have a rather large garden these days. Perhaps he was looking for a few tips. The only gardening tips I ever entertain are the ones that will get my garden paved over as soon as the funds become available.

The Town Gardens

However, part of Blameworthy’s plan was to get to Wroughton by a different route to the one we were used to. It was certainly different to the one we would have taken in the 1980s.

As I walked up Victoria Hill, just before mid-day that Saturday afternoon, it was warm, and I was looking forward to the day ahead. Beer and exercise and all in good company.

However, by the time I got to The Town Gardens, I suddenly looked for my wallet. I don’t know why. Maybe it was a subconscious thing, or just one of those coincidences. I can’t explain but on checking I found that my wallet wasn’t in any of my pockets. Almost as if to torture me, a memory stirred, one of me placing the wallet on my table before devouring an early lunch. (When old Fitrambler sits down to eat, all other considerations disappear from the brain box.)

I looked at my watch and saw that I had enough time to finish the walk to meet up with Blameworthy but not enough time to go back, get the wallet and meet Blameworthy on time.

Oh hump! I thought and one or two words that might be deemed a tad stronger.

I decided I’d go the punctuality route and meet Blameworthy. It didn’t sit well heading towards a drinking session with little more than enough change in coins and silver for a couple of rounds.

After the preliminary greetings were over and just before we started the walk to Wroughton, I told Blameworthy about forgetting my wallet. Although I felt bad about it, it wasn’t a regular occurrence. Blameworthy said rather than go back he would cover the expense of the session. He’s that sort of a chap.

This time the walk to Wroughton would be more like a walk in the country, rather than one that followed major roads. We came out of The Town Gardens and followed Goddard’s Avenue to a little side-pathway that I didn’t know existed. We followed that road that led over a bridge into a new estate – or at least it was new to me at the time – called Wichelstowe.

Wichelstowe

It was while we were walking through this new estate that the Fitrambler imagination started up. The place seemed totally deserted. I looked around at the windows and it was as though they were all occupied, but no sign of people.

It made me think of a post-apocalyptic future where Blameworthy and I were the only ones left. That soon died as another fantasy played across the brain box; that we were gunfighter coming to town…

“We’re a’comin’ for ya, Kincade!”

Well, they always seem to be called Kincade, don’t they?

O.K, back in the real world, we were in a deserted estate (sans the yapping dog that suddenly runs the length of the street. Possibly a dog who once starred in many a Lassie film, and now was reduced to this bit part).

It took roughly ten minutes to walk through that estate and not once did I see any signs of life. Did everyone emigrate lunchtime?

Finally, after about fifteen minutes, we ended up in Wroughton, and our first stop was The Carter’s Rest. As in the 1980s, it had a good selection of ales.

The Carter’s Rest

Again, I thought back to the 1980s, when we drank there, we mainly stuck to a back room which had a pool table. It was fairly private with good access to a hatch that gave us an easy way to get our beer. Most of these pool sessions were dinner time ones whereby we could play games mostly un interrupted.

The room also contained a Duke box and we spent quite a lot of hard-earned silver in that machine. If not filled with our coins, the locals took their choices. (Well, you had to be fair now and again and let them have a go.)

Frequently, the Glen Miller track ‘In The Mood’ played. That would cause an impromptu dance routine. This would usually involve movements with the pool cue; waving and swinging. How those overhead lights survived is anyone’s guess, especially after half a dozen pints…

I always felt the routine was professionally done but being half-cut, you can believe anything. More sober witnesses to the display probably just despaired at the idiocy of the young!

After a couple in The Carter’s Rest, but without any games of pool, we moved onto The White Hart. Probably one of the first five pubs I ever drank Real Ale in; a Wadworths pub.

The White Hart

I have to say after The White Hart the memory becomes a little hazy. I think our next port of call was The Check Inn, where I missed out on the round. This was partly because I was getting light-headed and also as I was feeling guilty that Blameworthy was footing all the beer bill.

The Check Inn

Once we came out of there our final beer was one in the new estate of Wichelstowe, The Bayberry. People serving behind the bar, people drinking behind the bar convinced me that after all there was life in the new estate.

Then, as we were something like half-way home, it decided to rain. Well, it would, wouldn’t it, especially as I didn’t have a coat. Once home, the pangs of hunger began and picking up my wallet from my table, I phoned through for a large Chinese takeaway…

The Bayberry

Those thoughts about our last meeting played across my mind as I waited outside Swindon station that dull but dry Sunday in mid-April.

I reflected on the fact that I’d only had a couple of pieces of toast with soya margarine; not a good breakfast if you’re intending to have one or two dinner time, or as is more likely the case, a half-dozen.

As it’d never happened before, so was quite positive it wouldn’t this time, we wouldn’t eat during a session; not even a pub lunch. Blameworthy doesn’t do eating on a drinking trip. (And yes, there are those wags who would say I do more than enough eating for both of us!)

Sometimes, with people I’ve been friends with, after a long gap, there can be a certain discomfort. That never happens with Blameworthy. It’s always as though our last meeting was yesterday; nothing has changed save for the odd wrinkle and grey hair.

We didn’t wait long for the train, nor did we have any trouble getting a seat. Usually, when I travel alone, all sorts of things go wrong, but it started off well…

…if you didn’t count the woman.

On the seats opposite, there was a woman who seemed in the process of wanting to re-arrange area where she was sat from the aisle. She was constantly bending over to mess with something I couldn’t see, waving her arse close to my face. Trying to pay attention to what Blameworthy was saying while having buttocks waved in one eye line wasn’t easy. I suppose I was lucky she wasn’t suffering from a bout of wind!

After ten minutes the woman seemed to settle, and I could give my full attention to Blameworthy.

We arrived on time and as soon as we were out of the station I remembered the last time I was in Chippenham. It was 24th April 2010, a beer festival and with Blameworthy, Gloom-Laden and Mrs Gowithit.

The walk to the pub took about twenty minutes, but by Blameworthy’s own admission we weren’t going the direct route. A good walk would add to the thirst.

The pub was The Three Crowns. It wasn’t open when we got there but we didn’t have to wait too long before it did. I’d no sooner sat down outside when the landlord was opening the doors.

Once inside it was just a matter of deciding which of the beers to have. There was a good selection of dark beers.

Chippenham 2018 1

However, there was the danger signal we both spotted early on but neither of us mention although both of us probably had the same thoughts. The beer was called Killer Stout, and at 7.9% it wasn’t hard to figure out how it got its name. We both felt it would be wise to stay away from that one. It would be the sensible thing to do. After all, it would be foolish to drink something of that strength at dinner time; and not too wise in the evening either.

Unfortunately, despite our obvious maturity (and the fact that we should know better) we both knew that, a few pints down the line, one or the other of us would give into temptation. It would be one of those things that ‘seems amusing at the time’.

As soon as we got the barman’s attention, I bought the first round. We found a window seat. I quite liked the first pint, it went down well but Blameworthy suggested we try one of the others for the second round. He went to get up, but I stopped him and got the second-round in. I reminded him that he bought all the beers the last time we drank together. I owed him and intended to pay.

Chippenham 2018 2

After trying a different beer, we went back to the first. We stuck to that until the penultimate round. I was on a comfort break and when I returned I saw Blameworthy at the bar. I was a little disappointed because I felt I should be getting the round! I detected a few grins and wondered what the joke was. Then, Blameworthy brought the beer to me, suggesting we go into the backroom. He made the confession at this point that he’d just bought the Killer Stout.

There wasn’t anyone else in the backroom which suited me. I’d felt a little dizzy when I returned from the toilet and so if I was going to fall over after the Killer Stout I wanted as few witnesses as possible.

As it turned out I remained upright, thankfully. The Killer Stout went down as easily as the previous three pints. We had another pint, but not a second Killer Stout. Sometimes it’s best not to push your luck.

I was also happy that I was able to get back to the station walking in a relative straight line. Inevitably, though, when I got close to the station, the need for another comfort break was upon me.

There was a pub close to the station and Blameworthy headed straight for it. Where there’s a pub there’s a toilet, or so I thought it was reasonable to believe.

Old Road Tavern

Unfortunately, things didn’t quite go that easily. It turned out rather like doing the conga, as we walked into the pub through one door, through the bar area, out into the garden, then back in to the bar and then out again without being able to see a single sign for the toilet!

By this time, I was almost dancing with the need to empty my bladder. Fortunately, not too far away and right near the steps leading into the station was a parking area, walled off sufficiently to advertise itself to me as an unofficial toilet.

I was sure my eyes glazed over behind the cover of the wall and was able to reduce the contents of my bladder.

We didn’t have much time before our train was due. Unfortunately, as is often the case when you need to relieve yourself in a hurry, the whole process takes on the image of a stuck tap; it won’t bloody turn off.

Fortunately, it did eventually and in time for when the train was supposed to arrive. However, I’d hurried (panicked) for nothing as that train was cancelled and so we had to wait for the next one. Had I known the train wasn’t going to arrive on time I would have found somewhere with more dignity to relieve myself – like a public toilet…

Anyway, as we travelled on the next train to Swindon, Blameworthy was already making plans for our trip to Oxford…

One of my earliest memories of Roger Moore was from a series called “Ivanhoe”. It was made in 1958. It ran for a total of 39 episodes, and although the pilot episode was made in colour, the actual series was filmed in black and white.

Moore starred as the lead character of Sir Wilfred Ivanhoe and his squire/armourer was played by Robert Brown. Brown would go on to star in the Bond Film “The Spy Who Loved Me” as Admiral Hargreaves, but later took on the role of M (after the death of Bernard Lee) for Moore last three Bond films, “For Your Eyes Only”, “Octopussy” and “A View To A Kill”.

Moore followed this with a series I’ve never seen called “The Alaskans”. It ran for 37 episodes.

Following on from that series, Moore also filled in for James Garner, who was in dispute with the makers of his hit show, “Maverick” – it’s fifth series. Moore played Beauregard Maverick, a cousin of Brett Maverick; the English accent was explained away by having the character return from many years in Britain.

Then, it was the big one, the series that made his name internationally, “The Saint”. It was also the one that got my interest. It was one of the few non-science fiction shows I took interest in. It was through Mr. Moore and this series that I moved from reading comics to books. I discovered that Leslie Charteris created The Saint in a book series than began in 1927. I avidly read the books, usually second hand, as many were out of print at the time.

It was Roger Moore who introduced me to the Bond films and the books. I hadn’t taken much interest in them before but once he left his latest series – an all-time favourite of mine – The Persuaders to become Bond, I decided to give them a go.

Oddly enough, the first Bond films I saw starred Connery. I’d been following the making of “Live And Let Die” in various film publications, when I got my chance to see my first Bond double bill. It was “Dr. No” and “You Only Live Twice”.

The next two films I saw were From Russia With Love and Goldfinger. I took my sister with me to see those and our choice of favourite Bond left us in different camps; fortunately, we never fell out over it.

It seemed then that all the films went through one of our local 2 cinemas (now gone) within 12 months. I got to see them all. However, for pure entertainment value, Roger Moore provided that as Bond. Connery may have been a closer portrayal of the character with regards to Ian Fleming’s books, but Moore never failed to entertain.

At the time repeats with regards to TV series and re-showings at cinemas was the only way to enjoy these pieces of entertainment; video-recorders were at least 15 years away.

As previously mentioned, my all-time favourite TV series with Roger Moore had to be “The Persuaders!” I found the clashing dynamic of Roger Moore and Tony Curtis irresistible. It originally ran on a Friday night through 1971 to 1972 and got a Sunday repeat a few years later and each time I managed to con my father into watching the episode again.

Roger Moore hung up the Walther PPK after “A View To A Kill”. It was around this time that video-recorders were about and I rented one. This opened a new world where you could rediscover old programmes and enjoy them again; or in some cases wonder why you enjoyed them the first time around.

While in London, a large record/CD store stocked video cassettes – a vast store house compared with Swindon – and two they had there were edited “The Persuaders!” episodes. At £30 each I felt it was expensive, but I thought, this was Roger Moore and Tony Curtis, it was “The Persuaders!”. So, it was a case of ‘sod the expense, give the cat another goldfish’ and I slapped down the old credit card. I had my hands on four episodes of the series, albeit edited into making 98 minute tv movies with new opening titles. It was close enough at that time.

But it was back in 2011, September, that I got to meet Sir Roger Moore – as he now was – in London. It was a promotion event by Network, who had remaster all the episodes and were releasing them in the Blu Ray format, along with extras.

It cost me £80.00 to get The Gold Napoleon (named after an episode of the series) ticket for the event, which entitled me to a buffet (sandwiches, sausage rolls, nuts, crisps and the like), drink (wine or fizzy cider some would refer to as Champagne) and to meet Sir Roger himself, get my box set of “The Persuaders!”. There would then follow, after a showing on a big screen of two episodes of the show (‘Overture’ and ‘A Death In The Family’), an interview with Roger Moore, conducted by Barry Norman – and a very nice interview too – along with a question and answer session.

That ticket might have seemed expensive if it hadn’t been that it included a copy of “The Persuaders!” Blu Ray box set, retailing at the time £55.00. So, I guess, technically the ticket was only £25.00 more than I would have forked out anyway. (It’s how I persuaded myself, ok?)

As I’ve always been of a nervous disposition (aka: a snivelling coward) I decided I didn’t fancy travelling the tube late at night (the event was scheduled to end between 10-11pm). So, it came to pass that with the help of Topman, I booked a hotel room for about £100.00. On top of that there was the train fare of £33.00. I also, the next day, treated myself to a full breakfast (the hotel room didn’t include this) at a placed called “The Angus Steakhouse” for about £12.00.

It was about twenty minutes into the event that The Gold Napoleon ticket holders were asked to leave the buffet and queue up ready to collect their box set and then join the queue to see Sir Roger. It seemed like two thirds of the people who came joined that queue.

Despite how tedious it must have been for him, Sir Roger was smiling and always polite, the English gentleman through and through. It was one of those occasions, I’m glad to say, where meeting your hero(s) did not disappoint…far from it…

Which Is Bad For You?

To say Blameworthy and I drank rather a lot during the eighties is something like saying the Pope prays a bit. The amount we drank throughout the eighties would have had today’s health lobby in epileptic fits. Fingers would be violently wagged and predictions of doomed kidneys not far behind; with the added threat of a badly battered liver thrown in.

Nowadays it’s all referred to as Units of Alcohol and if you go over a certain amount of units then you are in the danger zone. Trouble, ailments galore…and lashings of tut-tuts!

Well, despite us being well over the unit safety limit – many times over in a night let alone a week – Blameworthy and I have survived reasonably well physically. That’s not to condone the copious amounts we drank but more to say we are doing ok considering…

In later years we have found a way to curb what the health critics would call excessive alcohol intake – we rarely drink together this has a tendency to curb our drinking by fifty percent…or at least I try to convince myself it does.

Some wags have suggested that as Blameworthy and I rarely frequent the pubs together like we did in the ‘old days’ it’s a possible explanation as to why so many Public Houses have closed over the last twenty years or so. Their profit levels dropping rapidly after our semi-retirements – if that is what our abstinence can be described as.

It has to be admitted that The Duke of Wellington – so frequently blessed with out custom – is no longer a pub. Whether this is evidence of their reliance on booze hounds like Blameworthy and I is anyone’s guess…

However much the doomsayers of old condemned our capacious ability to consume beer, there was little warning of another beverage which was in recent times to do me more damage than alcohol ever did.

And that is Apple and Blackcurrant squash.

How so, you may ask. Well, get comfortable and I shall tell you the woes that accompanied the pint of the aforementioned concoction.

Ever since my brush with Doctor Calm and the need to take medication for my rather OTT blood pressure, I have been taking a pint of Apple and Blackcurrant squash up with me to bed in the evenings. The main reason for this is down to one of the pills I take for my blood pressure in the morning. There is a particular tablet that whilst keeping the old BP down does drain the liquid in my body necessitating me drinking more liquids than I have ever done before to replace those the pill gets rid of.

Even beer didn’t disturb my sleep as much as this tablet does. Three times a night! Three times! And each time it’s during a good bit in a dream I’m having!
Anyway, a particular night in 2012, I was in bed early as I needed to be up early in the morning. I got out of bed at around 1am to take care of a need precipitated by the tablet and returned a minute or two later to replenish the liquid lost.

Being half asleep pouring the liquid in worked ok but when I went to put the glass back down on the bedside table I misplaced it on top of a pen which unbalanced the glass and sent the contents pouring across the bedside table and the floor.

With an exclamation of ‘Oh dear’ (or perhaps something a little harsher with about the same amount of characters) I switched on the light to commence a mop-up operation.

Needless to say once finished I was wide awake.

Back into bed I found I couldn’t get comfortable. The quilt wasn’t quite in place; it wasn’t covering one corner of the bed. Not vitally important but after the debacle with the Apple and Blackcurrant squash I wasn’t happy. I wanted it to be in the correctly place…

However, anger and stubbornness had me shaking the quilt from the top to try to get it into place. The more it didn’t the more I became angry with it and increasingly aggressive.

I know it would have been easier to get out of bed to get the thing in place. I know that trying angrily to shake it from a semi-laying down position was totally the wrong way to do it!

But anger removed all rational thought and I became determined it was going to be shaken into place without me having to get out of bed.

The fight went on for about twenty minutes – such was my stubbornness – before it finally fell into place and I had secured the victory I wanted.

Another hour and the adrenaline had died down and I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I managed to get up early and into work. I ached a bit but all seemed to be fine.

However, by 8am that evening I began to feel some chest pains; aches I couldn’t figure out where they came from.

That night I was in quite a lot of pain and found it difficult to sleep laying down so had to sit up. This stopped the chest from hurting so badly but had the effect of every hour on the hour of me having get out of bed to shake my arse – hula dancer style sans grass skirt – in order to restore the circulation in my buttocks quickly enough for me to get back into bed for another hour’s asleep.

I dread to think what the neighbours – if for some reason insomniac – would have thought if I hadn’t had my curtains closed and me being observed going through the hourly arse shaking ritual.

I am not sure I have much of a reputation for sanity in the street where I live. In the early part of this century I did some gardening – not something I do often – and filled about a dozen large sacks with garden waste. These I stacked in the small area outside my front room window. My friend Anecdote offered to load them in his estate car and take them to the tip.

All went well. We loaded the car – after a couple of beers – then made off to the tip. But, we were too late and it was closed. We had to bring the rubbish back.

Unfortunately, the neighbour who saw us load the car also witnessed us unloading and putting it back at the front of the house.

I could imagine him saying to his wife: ‘That bloke next door. He just loaded his garden rubbish into his friend’s car and took it for a ride round for half an hour…’

Anyway, I digress…

Finally, as is so often the case, a new day dawns and the pains are worse. Walking and breathing were difficult but I managed to get into work; albeit later than planned.

More or less as soon as I walked through the door Mrs Immediately noticed I was not well.

‘You look pale,’ she said. ‘Are you alright?’

‘A little achey,’ I responded.

Within five minutes of sitting down Mrs Immediately commented again. ‘You don’t look well.’

‘I’m alright,’ I replied, despite the pain.

‘You should get a doctor’s appointment.’

‘No, no I’m fine. It’ll probably go by the end of the day.’

Five minutes later.

‘You’re no better. You should ring the doctor,’ said Mrs Immediately; yet again.

I inwardly sighed. I knew I wouldn’t get any peace until I rang the doctor. When Mrs Immediately got the bit between her teeth she wouldn’t let go; never give in. It was unwise not to do what Mrs Immediately told you do…er..um well immediately.

And to be quite honest I wasn’t getting any better. I felt pretty bad the breath was becoming even more difficult and painful.

‘If you don’t want to do it then I will,’ she said.

I hadn’t reacted within a split second so she was onto me again.

I dialled the doctor’s number and got an appointment for 16:30 that day. If nothing else my ears wouldn’t get a bashing from Mrs Immediately.

Shortly afterwards I informed Topman and he was insistent that I go home now and not hang about. Topman wasn’t prepared to listen to a word of argument and went even further to tell me that he did not expect me in the next day.

So some half an hour later I was on my way home. I was walking quite slow but allowed enough time to get to the bus stop on time.

Once home I dozed and wake up half an hour before I was due for my doctor’s appointment. I decided I would get there early and began making my way.

It was this walk, normally no more than six or seven minutes, which brought home to me how bad the old chest was. I took twenty minutes to get there. It also helped me understand why Grandfather Fitrambler couldn’t walk very far in his later years.

Grandfather Fitrambler had breathing problems and, as I was finding myself, if you couldn’t take in enough oxygen then movement of any kind was difficult. It depleted your energy levels.

I got to the doctors, managed to get my breath back enough to tell them I had an appointment with the emergency doctor.

Ten minutes after my appointment was set for I got to see Dr Calm. I explained what was wrong.

‘Hmm,’ he said with a frown.

Then he got me to stand up and stood up himself. He stretched his arms straight out in front of him.

‘Put your arms on the outside of mine…’

I frowned but did as I was told. If this was the first stage of the beginning of some sort of Morris Dance…however the lack of the sound of bells from the direction of his knees took that thought out of my head. Besides, if he wanted to Morris Dance I would have pointed him in the direction of the Pink Lady; she was far more experience in that than I ever would be.

‘Now try and push my arms inwards,’ said Doctor Calm.

I did as he said and although it hurt managed to move his arms a little.

‘Hmm.’ he said.

He got me to sit down and then got me to do some deep breathing, which also resulted in pain. After that he clipped a device to my finger, checked the reading on it.

‘Hmm.’

I babbled within this time telling him that I thought it was probably strained muscles. Or probably hoping he’d say it was…

‘Hmm.’

He then got me to strip to the waist, listened to my back and chest.

‘Hmm.’ Then: ‘Ok, you can get dressed, please.’

I got dressed and then, once settled back in our respective seats he began to fill out the ‘Hmms.’

‘It could well be you strained the muscles in your chest. This would have the effect of making breathing painful. Shallow breathing means you’re not getting enough oxygen. The oxygen levels in your system seem to back that up. However, just to be safe, I’m going to book you in for an immediate ECG with the nurse. I’ll arrange an appointment for an x-ray tomorrow…’

Being the devoted drivelling coward that I am I asked: ‘Any chance of some painkillers.’

‘I’m not sure that would be a good idea…’ Doctor Calm replied as he tapped the keys on his computer.

I thought it was a great idea. Painkillers equals no pain and a happy Fitrambler…what’s not to like?

‘You can take some Paracetamol. But you need the pain so that we can see if you are getting better or not.’

For a few seconds I did consider grizzling but felt that probably wouldn’t change his mind.

Ten minutes later I was in the waiting room awaiting the call from the nurse.

Once I was called I shuffled my way into her office she smiled at me. I tried to smile back but because of the pain I probably grimaced; an expression more at home in a Hammer horror film.

She got me to strip to the waist and take off my footwear. My walking trainers were coming to the end of their life so some nose twitching accompanied this; but in a very English way nothing was mentioned.

I moved over to the trolley which was where I would lay down. I suddenly felt a cold sweat form. Laying down caused pain…I didn’t like this one bit.

What I didn’t predict was the pain I was going to go through trying to get on the trolley to lay down in the first place. I couldn’t use my arms to lever me on because that caused pain and I couldn’t lift my leg high enough to use that to get me on top.

However, while the nurse went to get the ECG machine I saw a chair by the trolley.

Ah ha!

I would use that as an intermediate stage to getting on the trolley. I raised my leg to the chair with minimal pain but then when I put the weight on the chair I must have been at the wrong angle. I slipped and sent the chair ten feet away from the trolley.

Unfortunately, I let out what can only be described as a girly-scream. If I’d had more chance to evaluate the pain I might have been better prepared and been able to let out a manlier scream but no, a girly one issue forth…

I got my breath back after a minute then went to get the chair back just as the nurse was coming in. She frowned at me.

‘I thought you would’ve been on the examination trolley by now?’

‘Working on it,’ I said.

She sat back on her seat while I struggled to get onto the trolley. She was untangling the wires for the ECG and then filling out some more paperwork while I struggled a second time only sending the chair a couple of feet and this time managing to suppress a potential girly scream!

Finally, I got on top of the trolley but when I tried to lay down and relax pain went through my chest and there was another stifled girly scream.

It seemed like hours I was there laying in pain but was only minutes and then the nurse got up and started to place the wires on the strategic parts of my anatomy.

‘You should have asked for help if you were having trouble getting on the trolley…’ she said.

Personally, I felt the yelps of pain and sending the chair flying a couple of times might have given her a clue but hey ho!

Once the tabs were placed on she started the ECG and then walked away just as tab felt off my side.

‘Tab’s fallen off.’

She carried on walking to the desk.

I repeated myself. ‘Tab’s fallen off!’

She seemed not to pay attention and went back to tapping her computer keyboard.

A few minutes later she came back and looked at the ECG then at my body and saw the loose tab.

She sighed. ‘You really should have said one of the tabs had come loose. We don’t want to be here all night…’

I went to say something but was in too much pain. She re-applied the offending tab and then walked away while the machine did its stuff.

This time there was a reading and she smiled. ‘Right, you can get down and get dressed now. All over.’

‘A bit of help, please,’ I said as I tried to get in a more upright position.

It was a wasted remark on her receding back. I struggled stifling an excessive amount of girly screams as pain shot through me.

I got to the chair a few minutes later just as the nurse looked up from her computer.

‘Not dressed yet, are we?’

Well, I wasn’t but she seemed ok.

I managed to get my clothes on and left the bow tie to sit in my pocket. I felt I didn’t want to inconvenience her any more than I had.

I slowly left the surgery and began what now seemed a long walk home. The physical pain I’d just been through was fading but the memory was pretty clear…

I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so bought a tin of soup from the corner shop before going home. It would be a simple thing to cook. And for what could be termed a red-letter day in diaries of those who knew me, I didn’t feel hungry.

Fortunately, there was not any permanent damage and I was surprised that the pain eased off within days. However, all those dire warnings about the dangers of alcohol and it turns out that the spilling of a pint of Apple and Blackcurrant squash was far more dangerous than any beer I’d drunk in the past or was likely to drink in the future…